Where is He?

Where is he? Im sitting here waiting, looking at the sky, my phone, the trees, the birds, the wind. But where could he be? He says he is always there for me, says he knows what im saying, says he feels what i feel. I mean, how could he not know? I tell him everything and I thought he was listening, but maybe this lack of his presence is because he never heard the words coming out of my heart. Besides that, I have been waiting. I told him to meet me at our spot on the beach but he never showed. HE NEVER SHOWED. I was left alone, all alone. And not just alone physically, but alone in my thoughts.

I had so much to tell him, so much to explain, so much to ask. I dont know why but everytime I talk to him, he eleviates me. I feel as though he takes my problems from me, I feel as though he knows exactly what I feel. But where is he now? With all this pain you would think that he would know to come, not leave me alone. Is this so I know how much he really means to me? I already know. When im with him I feel as though the darkest night is as bright as the sun. When I hear his breath I feel a bit of it giving me life. When he walks next to me, I feel invincible. So why on earth would he leave me like this? Alone, afraid, scared, and tired?

I lift up my eyes and see the sky, the birds, but he is not coming up in the horizon. I look up and see my phone, it is not ringing; I look at the trees blowing in the wind and begin to feel more alone in this world.

And right when I give up looking for him, I lay down and close my eyes. I can not tell you the amount of tears I cry of the fear I feel, but I hope that this is only for a time. Just as I open my eyes I see him. I see him in the sky, in the birds, in the trees, and in the wind. then, and only then, I realize that he never left me. HE NEVER LEFT ME.

bitter sweet fear

Its crazy, maybe even unreal, but it is definately a different feeling that i have never felt before. It was like when you walk into the sun after a day indoors. When the sun hits you it both gives you excruciating blindness and glorious warmth on your skin. it is that weird bipolar state when you want to do something yet avoid the very same thing. but the sad part is this has been happening too frequently and with the worst kind of people, my very friends. there are times when i want to talk to them yet never see their names on the screen of your cracked phone. your fingers scan your phone for those few names, but when you see them you write your message then quickly delete it before the thought of sending it even haunts your mind. its one of the saddest feeelings that my heart has ever had to harvest. the bitter sweetness of a persons name has never stung me like a bee until now, and the thought that this feeling will carry on through the coming up year scares the thoughts that are in my head. may God himself take this feeling out of my system so that i may be normal once more. Or is this feeling normal and i have been living a numb life.......

a year too short

so i know that i havent done this in a while, but i feel the need to start blogging for my own benefit. tomorrow is day one of our 3 day church conference and to be honest, i dont know how i feel about it. before i used to dred it, but if all goes as planned, then we should be good. this summer's theme is the "The Lord is my Shephard" and naturally i am excited for the theme, but i truly fell in love with this theme while preparing for the sunday school. i have yet to attend a meeting, nor hear a pastor speak on teh topic, but i am in love with it. God himself cared so much for us that he compared us to the most amazin glove that was at that time. i think beyond the love a parent can show their children[which God has already compared us to] there is the love of a shepard and his sheep. so not only are we that precious to God but he takes care of us more than we ever imagine. i am anxious to see what this conference has instore for me and to write out my thoughts on the matter :)

leather bound life

someone once told me that "some people come in your life for one chapter and some stay for the whole story". whoever that was was a very wise person, but who they failed to mention were the people that come into your life as a sentence but leave an exclamation point.

there are those who come in for only a short time but teach you more than anyone could have taught u in all the pages of your life. it is those who, when they make you happy, sad, crushed, lifted, brought down, soaring, also teach you who you are. it may be a wake up call or a voicemail warning you of what to never again do in your future. there are many who for that moment make you more of a person then you could have ever thought to be.

this wise person also said that "if someone chooses to leave your life or someone hurts you then why would u care… its their choice. their loss". whether i agree entirely with this statement or not with my heart, my mind is in complete compliance with this statement. sometimes there are those who although you would like to keep in the leather bound covers that we shall call your life, they have for some reason been removed. whether the ink that carried out their names have run dry or they have been cut out of the plot there is no need for them to take up the capacity of your book. though these leather bound pages may seem like a novel it is but a short story. within this short story there is room for only those who are most important.

within these pages there are also colors. some of these pages are white as the day goes on simply as it should. while others are blue with excitement, green with hope, gold with richness, grey with fear,red with lust, or pink with love. but no matter what color the page is, the ink is always black with people that are permanent or mean the most to you at that time. whether the pages are a color that you love to see or that you can not stand to look at, that depends on the boldness of the type. in the times of trouble, the ink either grown bold with anger or italicizes with love.

but the most important thing that this wise person could have said was "then there's some people that you love so much that cant possibly be out of your life". and those are the people who's names are forever written in the pages, on every color of the pages, in bold and italicized, that can turn the color of one page o another and who can be the ones to determine the punctuation of each sentence. it as you read the past pages, chapters, paragraphs, and sentences that you see how each person has not only grown but has helped you to grow as well.

the wise one also mentioned siblings as an example but i feel as though there are many more. yes it is true that siblings will always be there. they are one of the few people that can never leave the leather bound pages unless something drastic happens but what about those who are closer than a brother? what about them? we are so used to using the words "kid brothers or sisters" but are they?

in my life personally there are many that have left such huge dent on the pages of each chapter that there is no way to make such pages spectators. i have never in my life noticed the importance of these people until the chapter that read college begins. it was after this chapter that the ink that you thought would be so dark soon begins to faint to an unreadable print. it was also in college where those who you thought would be paragraphs ended up having their own chapters in the publishing. there are many that i wish i could have called my siblings that i have closer than my real one, but there are also those that i wish i would have never even printed the words brother or sister near their names.

to those whose names i wish i never knew or that i wish i could blot out of these pages i just want you to know that you made me a stronger person and that i have learned a lot from your idleness and childish behavior. there are different names and types of people that are written down to give an example to the rest of the world of who to watch out for and not make the same mistakes that i have once made.

to those whose names are inked on not only these pages bound by leather but also engraved in my heart, those who i am lucky enough to be called siblings, there are certain pages that each name is written on, but on each of these pages there is a short story too deep to write with human words. thank you for making me who i am. for showing me who i am and in turn showing you who you are. there is an ink that can never be erased or can never run dry, and your names are written with such an ink. once again, thank you.

and finally, to the wise one, thank you! you have made so many exclamation points where there were once periods, and semicolons where there were once commas. many gray pages turned gold and many white pages turned grey, but there was always a name that was written on each of these pages that has helped me. so once again…. thank you!!

- inspired by the wise one… John Youssef

-SAY November 29, 2010 1:01 AM

What Kind Of Heart Do You Have?

What makes a heart valuable? Everyone knows that a heart is made of veins and ventricles that pump blood, the most vital thing, to the entire body. But is that the only thing that makes the heart important. The heart is not only the central part of the human body, but also the human soul. What a person is, thinks, believes, holds to as truth, and who they are becoming is surrounded by the heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks [Luke 6:45]; what goes on in your subconscious thinking while using your heart will come out whether you know it or not. There are many different kinds of hearts, but who is to say which is which. These are from my observations:

Heart made of paper: A heart that is sooo thin and easily used that this person probably does not know how to defend themselves or want to. Also, a heart that so easily goes up in flames and may aid in making the flames itself.

Heart of stone: a heart that is hard and will not let anything through, not even thing that are needed such as water. Also because the heart is hard, the mind usually is as well. Information is hard to get across to them and they never want to change their ways.

Heart of wood: Wood is usually used in starting a fire and so is a person with a wooden heart. Although wood allows water to pass through it and allows the water to soak it up; often times it floats on the water. After the water dries out of the wood the flames are the next thing to fully indulge it and cause it to buuuurn. This means that a heart of wood could either be used for good or bad, it is up to the person to decide what it will be used for.

Heart of silver: Just like any other metal silver is as strong and hard. But unlike precious metals, silver tarnishes. A heart made of silver is strong and looks good in the beginning but over time the thing that was once beautiful and held so much value is now ugly and almost worthless. But also like tarnished silver, the thing that has become ugly can be restored and look as beautiful as before. Things are never as they seem, you just have to be careful

Heart of gold: gold is the longest lasting metal and keeps or gains value over time. Gold is also a pure metal that hold so much value to many in the form of commitment. When one gets married and slips on the rings made of solid gold they are symbolizing that their love is pure and will last as continually as the continuous circle. But like any metal, when put in the test of flames the gold will melt. Yes pure, amazing, beautiful but not completely perfect

Heart of diamond: the highest quality of jewels and beauty. A diamond is a girl’s best friend. Why? Because no matter what the girl [or person] is doing, the diamond will never change. Although a diamond is never pure it is never changing. Diamonds are strong; they are even used on saws to cut through other metals and materials. Diamonds can also withstand fire and actually be refined by it! So fire is actually better for the diamond. Through the pain and trials, the diamond is still as beautiful as before.

Sure, there are hearts that have a mixture of these materials and the real question is not only what heart are you, but what heart are you striving for?

flashy men

What to look at: The Inside of their hearts or the print on their bumb

Men wearing bling! Does anyone see the problem with this or not? Im just going to start out by saying that I am writing this blog on behalf of Marian Marcos and Rania Khalil!!!! It was as we were sitting in the lobby of the hotel that we saw this horrific site. A man who was fairly attractive was gorgeous until u saw the jeans he had on. I understand that there are certain people that must show how much they make a year on their clothing they wear for one night. I am upset at myself for not taking a pic of this guy but I was too busy laughing. Is there a reason why all these men or women must wear things on their butts that will grab the attention of all animals in the zoo to think they were looking at one of their own? Which reminds me, do the guys really think that when they wear clothes like that the girls they want will suddenly leave all they have and follow them? Really? The only girls they are going to get are those who care too much appearance. But it’s not just about guys that wear bright stitching or rhinestones on their butt, what about all those guys that wear all brand names and must let everyone know it. You know those crazy Asians that must only wear Louis Vuitton purses or fanny packs, even the men? I don’t get it, but I guess just like, “why were men created first”, we will never know. I guess its because I come from a family that was taught to never show off more than you have to. People will know you are not poor but you don’t have to rub it in their faces. When you see the tarabet-ta-too on their caboose I don’t know whether to be confused to why they are that flashy and showing off or to laugh because of how ridiculous they are! Are the men therefore flashy or trashy? thats up to you to decide! Once again, this blog was written for all the girls that are looking inside a man for who they are, not what they wear…. Thanx Marian and Rania for the great idea

PEACE

What is peace? To many it is the lack of war, the absence of fear, or no trace of qureling. But is that really the only thing that peace means? Why is it that when we look at the word peace we think of the opposite of negativity, but why cant we think of the positive reactions. Peace is therefore the need of love, the hope for a better future, away of helping those in need, or just sitting on the beach and drinking your favorite…..soda. Yes, peace is the absence of negativity but it is also the presence of serenity.

The past few weeks have hectic and stressful. I have been working on some very fun stuff for those that I seem to be living for but under the surface there have been many underlining battles. The mind is a dangerous place for battles to occur because although there may be a winning soldier in your mind at a moments notice the victory can be changed for another. In other words, once you have made your decision internally you can change it without anyone knowing or judging. The explosions that occur within that small space on top of your shoulders could cause a load of trouble or joy to occur.

This weekend is out church conference and the kids have already blown me away. My team and I am in charge of the songs in the Sunday school part. While we were teaching the kids who are 6-11 years old to sing worship songs that people who are 15 years old do not even bother to listen to I realized something. Once the song was pretty much learned the children began to close their eyes and meditate on the words. Their eyes closed and hearts lifted up they began to relax. In the midst of their singing the peace was showing on their faces. Who would have known that peace could be seen in the face of children who would other times get on your nerves and want to make u pull out all your hair. Peace is seen as serenity in a child’s worshiping face.

So who is to say that peace will never happen in the world, and who is to say that peace is something that must be found by high officials in the government? Peace can be found in a cup of tea with old friends or ice cream on the beach after a swim on a hot day. Peace is attained in simple things. But like a pearl, you must find the oyster and open it gently to find the pearl. But also like a pearl, after the search the joy is the reward.

Peace: a state of tranquillity or quiet

Whats yours?