bitter sweet fear

Its crazy, maybe even unreal, but it is definately a different feeling that i have never felt before. It was like when you walk into the sun after a day indoors. When the sun hits you it both gives you excruciating blindness and glorious warmth on your skin. it is that weird bipolar state when you want to do something yet avoid the very same thing. but the sad part is this has been happening too frequently and with the worst kind of people, my very friends. there are times when i want to talk to them yet never see their names on the screen of your cracked phone. your fingers scan your phone for those few names, but when you see them you write your message then quickly delete it before the thought of sending it even haunts your mind. its one of the saddest feeelings that my heart has ever had to harvest. the bitter sweetness of a persons name has never stung me like a bee until now, and the thought that this feeling will carry on through the coming up year scares the thoughts that are in my head. may God himself take this feeling out of my system so that i may be normal once more. Or is this feeling normal and i have been living a numb life.......