Where is He?

Where is he? Im sitting here waiting, looking at the sky, my phone, the trees, the birds, the wind. But where could he be? He says he is always there for me, says he knows what im saying, says he feels what i feel. I mean, how could he not know? I tell him everything and I thought he was listening, but maybe this lack of his presence is because he never heard the words coming out of my heart. Besides that, I have been waiting. I told him to meet me at our spot on the beach but he never showed. HE NEVER SHOWED. I was left alone, all alone. And not just alone physically, but alone in my thoughts.

I had so much to tell him, so much to explain, so much to ask. I dont know why but everytime I talk to him, he eleviates me. I feel as though he takes my problems from me, I feel as though he knows exactly what I feel. But where is he now? With all this pain you would think that he would know to come, not leave me alone. Is this so I know how much he really means to me? I already know. When im with him I feel as though the darkest night is as bright as the sun. When I hear his breath I feel a bit of it giving me life. When he walks next to me, I feel invincible. So why on earth would he leave me like this? Alone, afraid, scared, and tired?

I lift up my eyes and see the sky, the birds, but he is not coming up in the horizon. I look up and see my phone, it is not ringing; I look at the trees blowing in the wind and begin to feel more alone in this world.

And right when I give up looking for him, I lay down and close my eyes. I can not tell you the amount of tears I cry of the fear I feel, but I hope that this is only for a time. Just as I open my eyes I see him. I see him in the sky, in the birds, in the trees, and in the wind. then, and only then, I realize that he never left me. HE NEVER LEFT ME.

bitter sweet fear

Its crazy, maybe even unreal, but it is definately a different feeling that i have never felt before. It was like when you walk into the sun after a day indoors. When the sun hits you it both gives you excruciating blindness and glorious warmth on your skin. it is that weird bipolar state when you want to do something yet avoid the very same thing. but the sad part is this has been happening too frequently and with the worst kind of people, my very friends. there are times when i want to talk to them yet never see their names on the screen of your cracked phone. your fingers scan your phone for those few names, but when you see them you write your message then quickly delete it before the thought of sending it even haunts your mind. its one of the saddest feeelings that my heart has ever had to harvest. the bitter sweetness of a persons name has never stung me like a bee until now, and the thought that this feeling will carry on through the coming up year scares the thoughts that are in my head. may God himself take this feeling out of my system so that i may be normal once more. Or is this feeling normal and i have been living a numb life.......